My sheets look like a crime scene.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
