This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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