Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
