I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
