Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
