someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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