When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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