if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
