New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
