My sheets look like a crime scene.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
