I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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