I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
