Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
