I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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