i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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