When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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