go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
