Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
