I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
