Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Randomize
