Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
