I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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