I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
