I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
