Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
