Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
