If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
