Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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