I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Randomize
