We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
