If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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