He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
