I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Congratulations! We have a period
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