sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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