Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
