Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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