Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
