apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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