tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
