Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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