we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
