I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
