There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
