he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
