ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
