she woke up with a sticky ear
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
