I faked an abortion last night.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize
