We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
