I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
