I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
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