youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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