when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
