Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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